love

My mania craves sex. I have no desire to be in a steady relationship ,and have been celibate since the last jack ass broke my heart. I can't let people get to close to me when I am in this place. I could  use somebody for sex and they may get caught in their feelings , or worse I  could get caught in my feelings then put my walls back up. I would love to be into the idea of love , yet I cannot physical deal with the pain of heartbreak. My mood is too up and down to seek even temporary comfort in another human being. Maybe I am just too afraid of what could happen. The past few months have been hell and now I have mania creeping in..........I wish I could be free of it all. Not to be wary of the repercussions of impulsive decisions. Sometimes I wish I could just say what the hell , do what I want and fly free , yet I know if I don't watch my moods , my moods control me. So for now.....no impulsive casual sex will work. When I am a bit more stable and want to explore a steady relationship , i will find a partner who will value me for who I am , my intellectual side and I will build a healthy relationship, till then I am going to practice patience.