Tuesday, April 21, 2015
My mania craves sex. I have no desire to be in a steady relationship ,and have been celibate since the last jack ass broke my heart. I can't let people get to close to me when I am in this place. I could use somebody for sex and they may get caught in their feelings , or worse I could get caught in my feelings then put my walls back up. I would love to be into the idea of love , yet I cannot physical deal with the pain of heartbreak. My mood is too up and down to seek even temporary comfort in another human being. Maybe I am just too afraid of what could happen. The past few months have been hell and now I have mania creeping in..........I wish I could be free of it all. Not to be wary of the repercussions of impulsive decisions. Sometimes I wish I could just say what the hell , do what I want and fly free , yet I know if I don't watch my moods , my moods control me. So for now.....no impulsive casual sex will work. When I am a bit more stable and want to explore a steady relationship , i will find a partner who will value me for who I am , my intellectual side and I will build a healthy relationship, till then I am going to practice patience.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Society has a labeling system. We as a society cannot thrive without throwing people in boxes.If you looked at me my neat little boxes would have me as a 34 year old bi polar, bi sexual , poet /writer.Thank goodness I am not defined by the parameters of these boxes. With self discovery , I have noticed I am also human. A human being who cycles out anywhere from a couple of month , to a year at a time. I experience high high's and low low's . Yet I have already accomplished great things , I wrote a book, got sober, and have maintained a job and steady housing for 2 years. So what if I am emotional , unpredictable , and have flaws. I also kick ass and take names. Yet I believe , I have hope in my journey , and believe these entries could be helpful to others who experience similar journeys .So I write unsure what the next page or story might tell. I speak for the moments where I might end up voiceless and need a keyboard and a blank blog page to speak for me. I speak because silence has been some of the terrible loneliness sinking in my bones. Finally I write because hope is tangible and even if today totally sucks tomorrow is a new day. A day where a new version of me is thrown on the table.........and I sit wondering if I have built up enough courage to introduce myself to her and if I can get attached or if the days will bring other versions of me I may not like.......
I like to leave my thoughts hanging, dead sentences ready to start a new entry ,exactly where this one is left off. With today I breath in determination not to seek answers but keep on obtaining and maintaining a sense of wellness that only makes sense to me.